On Michigan and Arizona, Or, Say Hey to Da Hosers

I apologize for the holdup of my summation of the Michigan and Arizona primaries. As you may have heard, I was recently (and illegally) detained for several days at Brest Airport in Belarus. Some advice for those of you traveling to Belarus:

1) Apparently you cannot carry ocelots and infected blood in your baggage at Brest Airport, despite there being no signage indicating the illegality of these items. My lawyer is looking into it. I will grant you that the ocelot was clearly rabid, but it was under control at all times.
2) Brest does not mean the same thing in Belarusian as it does in English. Related, Belarusian women all seem to look like fat naked mole rats.

Anyway, to the primaries. As you know, the final breakdown in Michigan was:

Romney: 41%
Santorum: 38%
Prince Fielder: 15%
A bumper sticker that says "Say 'Yah' to the U.P.": 3%
"Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds: 2%
Charles Lindbergh: 1%

As my opponents have noted, I did not receive any votes in this primary. This was due to a slight miscalculation by my campaign staff - turns out we'd been campaigning in Wisconsin all week. Not their fault, really - who the hell can tell the difference? (There's a Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and a Cheboygan, Michigan. What the fuck is that about?)

Like all of you, I am disappointed in this result. Not once during his time in Michigan did Romney cite the impending threat of Canadians using Michigan's vast unprotected borders to enter our country. Not once did he speak to the importance of putting a massive military installation on St. Joseph Island and placing small remote-controlled detonating devices on all the birds in the St. Joseph Island Bird Sanctuary. Not once did he note that Lake Michigan looks like a big dick pissing on Illinois, which is God's way of saying he hates Obama. These are all failures in leadership that should have cost him the nomination.

There are those who say that Romney won because Michigan is his "birth" state. Forgiving the fact that he's lived in so many damn places I can't keep up, what does that matter? My birth state, Phichit, Thailand, won't even let me back in without massive government intervention, much less vote for me. No, there are other forces at work here, folks. As you know, Romney belongs to what is essentially a cult. A cult that brainwashes its members, dictates their lives for them, and turns them into brainless automatons. That cult is: France.

In July, 1966, Mitt Romney spent 30 months in France as a missionary. This cause was about as lost as his quest for the Presidency, considering he was trying to convert a nation of wine-chugging fuckfiends to Mormonism. He also spent time in France offering support of the U.S.'s role in the Vietnam (rather than, you know, actually fighting there.) All that time in France rubbed off on him; he became enamored of French culture, food, language, and odor. It would stay with him through life.

But where to find such French culture in the U.S.? Romney was forced to look north, to the great stretched-out foreskin of this giant cock we call America - Canada. Since then he has never strayed too far from its welcoming borders - Michigan, Massachusetts, Utah - as you know, all of these states border Canada.

What does all this have to do with the Michigan primary? Because the entire Upper Peninsula is riddled with Canadians, Michiganders who sound like Canadians, or people who really don't know where the hell they live because they're idiots who voluntarily live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They rigged this election, folks. I'm working with lawyers right now to get the primary results thrown out, and we'll get this ship righted. I'm not going to have a bunch of back bacon eating beaver-tailed mountie-lovers telling me who's gonna be my president, and neither should you.

As for Arizona, they shoot the fucking candidates they don't like there, so I didn't want to go anywhere near the place. What's more, it's full of Mexican Catholics, or "Wetbathlics," so when Santorum said that crap about Kennedy making him want to throw up (he should have said "spew Santorum," but he hasn't embraced the joke yet) it turned them off faster than looking at a Belarusian woman.

That said, I don't completely disagree with Santorum's statement:

"The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country."

He's right - for example, let's say a priest gives a young alter boy a little under-the-robe peter knead, then that kid grows up to become a postal worker who murders 16 people in an Amtrak station bathroom. A direct influence on the state. Santorum is smoother and creamier than you realize, folks.

Anyway, my staff tells me that this Tuesday is a big day for us, so I'll be on the road a lot once my lawyer gets here to secure my release from Minsk Detention Center No. 1. Dicky B out.

Announcement From Campaign Staff

The press conference originally scheduled for today in Missoula, Montana has been postponed indefinitely. Recent news reports that Dicky B is in Lampang, Thailand nursing a severe ecstasy addiction are unfounded and untrue. Dicky B remains on extended sabbatical at the Sorbonne.

Still Ready to Lead

Well folks, by now you all know that my assertion that I would be named president of these United States in 2010 did not quite come to pass. Like all of you I would love to know what kind of a country we live in where you can no longer trust such fabled institutions as Congress, the banks, and your voodoo priestess ex-wife.

The last statement is not rhetorical. What kind of a country DO we live in these days? Have things gotten better in the last eight years? Let's examine what's been done on the key issues:

Guns

You've heard my Republican colleagues speak frequently about President Obama's non-stop partisan effort to take the second amendment and stuff it straight up the ass of a San Francisco bar queen. Quite simply, he wants to take your guns away. Mine too - this guy just doesn't seem to give a shit that someone is rich and therefore superior - but more on that later. He has done nothing to implement my gun policy which, if you'll recall, is to arm every single American citizen with a weapon according to their station in life. The President, for example, will carry tactical thermonuclear weapons and an Altoids tin full of enriched whitecake uranium. The hobo will get a Daisy air rifle. This strategy, while unorthodox, was unanimously endorsed by the NRA, the Brookings Institution, the American Coalition of Underarmed Hobos, and, oddly enough, NAMBLA.

But this president has ignored this strategy, opting instead to go the opposite route: rather than showing his concern for Americans by giving them all guns, or even trying to take guns from criminals and killers, he has done nothing whatsoever. That's not leadership, that's laziness, and I for one am sick of this president living up to the stereotype of black people being lazy when he should be living up to the stereotype of black people carrying weaponry.

Immigrants

In 2010, 920,000 people legally immigrated to this country from Canada, the Great White Menace. When you add that to the 1.4 million Canadians that crossed our borders illegally, that's nearly 2.5 million syrup-eating hoseheads that are crashing this great party we call America. This mass exodus from the Frozen North began in 1995; right around the time terrorists began hatching a plot to tear our country asunder and create gloom and discord for more than a decade, Canada began fighting an international war over a fucking fish. Our wars are fought to topple ruthless dictators and their regimes - Canada fights wars because they've run out of flounder, and hockey season is over so there's nothing else to do.

Now I know what you're thinking - under the Bush administration, it's likely that millions of Americans fled this country in terror, and in some cases ended up in Canada, which levels the playing field. I'd have thought so myself, but after doing some research on the subject, it turns out that from 2000-2010, only 27 Americans emigrated to Canada from the United States. Twenty of them simply lost their passport and couldn't come back, five of them were drafted by the Edmonton Oilers, and two of them fell into large vats of wert at the Labatt's Brewery and were never heard from again. That's a disturbing ratio - yet Obama only kicked 393,000 people out of our country in 2010, and most of them were Hispanic, Latino, Mexican, my gardeners, and that guy who I'd pick up at the Home Depot parking lot and convince to donkey punch his own sister for churro money.

This won't do. In my previous campaign I recommended that we stem the flow of fat, speedo-wearing snowbacks into our country. While this is still necessary - I will recommend building a wall along the border of Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine, and installing military bases in North Dakota - it's not enough. We need to evict the Canadians that are already here, legal or not. This will lower our taxes, increase our quality of life, and most importantly, give jobs back to our hard working hockey players, brewmasters, syrup stewards, and dog-sled team leaders.

Ketchup

Another problem that has not gone away - there is still no generally accepted spelling of the word "ketchup." When I walk into my local grocery store (or, more accurately, when the small Mexican kid I pay to do my shopping walks into the store, until Obama finds him and sends him back to San Saliva or wherever the hell he's from), I see dozens of spellings of the same product, such as ketchup, catsup, katsup, catchsup, and horseradish. We live in a society where two dudes can marry each other, yet the products they lick off each others penises on their honeymoon night are all spelled differently. (This assumes they honeymoon, and/or get laid on their honeymoon night. I don't get gay people.) We're better than this, America.

So how to solve all these problems? Do you think the current crop of Republican candidates can solve any of them? Don't get me wrong, I like these guys. I am very much like them in some ways. I share Newt's sociopathic egomania, but I take it to a higher level - he left a wife because she had breast cancer, whereas I killed mine with an extension cord, buried her in her own grandmother's backyard, and framed a Chinese orphan for the crime. Like Rick Santorum, I have been the victim of a vicious Dan Savage smear campaign - googling my real name, Dick, brings up several disturbing images, some of which aren't even MY penis. And Romney and I both have nice hair.

None of these candidates, however, have addressed the Canada situation, or gone on record on how they propose to spell "ketchup." That's not leadership, that's just the nonsensical flaptrappery or a cadre of fucking douche nozzles. If you want your country to be led by douche nozzles, by all means flee to Canada. But if you believe in freedom, purity, goodness, and raising the salary of the Chief Executive, then I am your man.

I am Dicky B. And I want to be your President. Unless you're Canadian.