On Michigan and Arizona, Or, Say Hey to Da Hosers

I apologize for the holdup of my summation of the Michigan and Arizona primaries. As you may have heard, I was recently (and illegally) detained for several days at Brest Airport in Belarus. Some advice for those of you traveling to Belarus:

1) Apparently you cannot carry ocelots and infected blood in your baggage at Brest Airport, despite there being no signage indicating the illegality of these items. My lawyer is looking into it. I will grant you that the ocelot was clearly rabid, but it was under control at all times.
2) Brest does not mean the same thing in Belarusian as it does in English. Related, Belarusian women all seem to look like fat naked mole rats.

Anyway, to the primaries. As you know, the final breakdown in Michigan was:

Romney: 41%
Santorum: 38%
Prince Fielder: 15%
A bumper sticker that says "Say 'Yah' to the U.P.": 3%
"Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds: 2%
Charles Lindbergh: 1%

As my opponents have noted, I did not receive any votes in this primary. This was due to a slight miscalculation by my campaign staff - turns out we'd been campaigning in Wisconsin all week. Not their fault, really - who the hell can tell the difference? (There's a Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and a Cheboygan, Michigan. What the fuck is that about?)

Like all of you, I am disappointed in this result. Not once during his time in Michigan did Romney cite the impending threat of Canadians using Michigan's vast unprotected borders to enter our country. Not once did he speak to the importance of putting a massive military installation on St. Joseph Island and placing small remote-controlled detonating devices on all the birds in the St. Joseph Island Bird Sanctuary. Not once did he note that Lake Michigan looks like a big dick pissing on Illinois, which is God's way of saying he hates Obama. These are all failures in leadership that should have cost him the nomination.

There are those who say that Romney won because Michigan is his "birth" state. Forgiving the fact that he's lived in so many damn places I can't keep up, what does that matter? My birth state, Phichit, Thailand, won't even let me back in without massive government intervention, much less vote for me. No, there are other forces at work here, folks. As you know, Romney belongs to what is essentially a cult. A cult that brainwashes its members, dictates their lives for them, and turns them into brainless automatons. That cult is: France.

In July, 1966, Mitt Romney spent 30 months in France as a missionary. This cause was about as lost as his quest for the Presidency, considering he was trying to convert a nation of wine-chugging fuckfiends to Mormonism. He also spent time in France offering support of the U.S.'s role in the Vietnam (rather than, you know, actually fighting there.) All that time in France rubbed off on him; he became enamored of French culture, food, language, and odor. It would stay with him through life.

But where to find such French culture in the U.S.? Romney was forced to look north, to the great stretched-out foreskin of this giant cock we call America - Canada. Since then he has never strayed too far from its welcoming borders - Michigan, Massachusetts, Utah - as you know, all of these states border Canada.

What does all this have to do with the Michigan primary? Because the entire Upper Peninsula is riddled with Canadians, Michiganders who sound like Canadians, or people who really don't know where the hell they live because they're idiots who voluntarily live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They rigged this election, folks. I'm working with lawyers right now to get the primary results thrown out, and we'll get this ship righted. I'm not going to have a bunch of back bacon eating beaver-tailed mountie-lovers telling me who's gonna be my president, and neither should you.

As for Arizona, they shoot the fucking candidates they don't like there, so I didn't want to go anywhere near the place. What's more, it's full of Mexican Catholics, or "Wetbathlics," so when Santorum said that crap about Kennedy making him want to throw up (he should have said "spew Santorum," but he hasn't embraced the joke yet) it turned them off faster than looking at a Belarusian woman.

That said, I don't completely disagree with Santorum's statement:

"The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country."

He's right - for example, let's say a priest gives a young alter boy a little under-the-robe peter knead, then that kid grows up to become a postal worker who murders 16 people in an Amtrak station bathroom. A direct influence on the state. Santorum is smoother and creamier than you realize, folks.

Anyway, my staff tells me that this Tuesday is a big day for us, so I'll be on the road a lot once my lawyer gets here to secure my release from Minsk Detention Center No. 1. Dicky B out.