Why me?

As I begin my quest for the Presidency, I've been spending a lot of time scooting around town in my custom-made Rascal (TM), shaking hands and kissing babies (or vice versa). One question that folks seem to insist on asking is "Why you, DickyB? Of all the candidates for our nation's highest office, why should we give you our vote?"

The first thing I normally do when folks ask that is point out that they've asked two questions, not one, and chastise them immediately for taking up too much of my time, which as we all know is better spent on things like putting out Ketchup-related policy papers; playing Paul Revere about the Canadian invasion; and playing Paul Revere at home with my full-time dominatrix/care-giver/meals-on-wheels delivery girl.

But as I sit here recharging my Rascal (TM) batteries, I thought I should finally respond.

Here goes:

1) Because. Because I'm 67 and cranky, and like other cranky seniors, I know best. Period. Now move along, Sonny.

2) Because nobody else can lock-up the crucial 18-18.5 year-old dominatrix/home nurse/delivery girl demographic. Those chicks vote, man.

3) Because a vote for Romney is a vote for Cadillacs, AND bankrupt Cadillac repair shops so there's nobody left to fix your Cadillac when it breaks, as it inevitably will. A vote for Santorum is a vote for, well, Santorum. A vote for Newt is a vote for Aqua Net, and not much more. Ever since my good friend Herman Cain dropped out, I'm all that's left.

4) Because seriously, why not. I earned it. A lifetime of sweat and blood for my family, and you'll be content just ignoring me and denying a decent man the last few stages of his illustrious life? No, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You just go along and have fun with your friends. I'll just be at home, alone, in the dark, thinking.

5) Because objectivism is a defunct moral philosophy based, on all things, on the railroad as the center of modern industry. I'm more a monorail guy, myself.

So, there you have it. Vote Dicky B if you're all for Ketchup, Monorails; Old Cranky People; and if you're against broken-down Caddys; hairspray; fecal matter; and Canadians.