My Super-Tuesday Trade

You've probably noticed by now that every candidate in this race gives basically the same speech no matter where they go. It's a called a "stump speech." The term comes from the famous Dr. Seuss anti-capitalism children's book The Lorax, in which the title character, a little orange communist hippie, gives a bunch of speeches while standing on tree stumps trying to bring down a job creator named the Onceler. (The book is crap - instead of reading it, go see the movie which does a much better job of promoting solid American businesses such as IHOP and Mazda.)

Anyway, the theme and tone of the candidate's stump speech is the usually the same no matter where they are. For example, in Massachusetts, Mitt Romney might say:

Ted Kennedy was a good friend of mine and I have the greatest respect for his legacy. We need to have gun laws that work for everyone. We need to have respect for all life and religion. I will lower taxes.

But in Virginia he'd say:

I embody the values put forth by Thomas Jefferson. Obama wants to take your guns away and will substitute them with abortions because he's a Muslim. I will lower taxes.

See? He's saying the same thing, just in a different way. Well folks, Dicky B doesn't roll that way. The other candidates may make empty generic promises that they not only don't intend to keep but can't keep (for the last time, the President CAN NOT lower taxes) but I will unequivocally promise all of the Super Tuesday states that I will make their states better if they vote for me. Here's how:

Alaska
Very few Americans realized there was a state called Alaska prior to 2004, and even now most people only know it as the state from which Sarah Palin could see Russia. The rare history buff might know that Alaska was purchased from Russia for $7.2 million, or roughly what I spend on greens fees every summer. But despite what they may have told you in high school, this was not a shrewd economical move by the U.S. - for Russia, this was the equivalent of the Red Sox dumping Heathcliff Slocumb and somehow getting Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek in the process. If it were possible, the "real" United States would have dumped this frozen wasteland a long time ago.

But somehow Alaska hit the geological lottery, and they have oil. At least they may have oil. This makes them hard to get rid of, even though they're basically Canada. When I am president, I will treat Alaska the same way that previous presidents have treated other oil-rich nations. I will frequently have them to the White House, ignore their numerous human rights violations, and provide military protection. (Yes, I'm aware that as a so-called state, they are already entitled to military protection. But really, I think we all know that if the shit hits the fan we're leaving those muckluck wearing freakshows out to dry up there. No one is going to cry over a few dirty-bombed Eskimos and polar bears.)

Georgia
Georgia's energy consumption is the highest in the U.S., which is insane because I've got to believe less than half of their population even has electricity. Have you been to Rabun or Chatooga County? There's a reason they filmed Deliverance up there. Seventy-five percent of Georgia's energy consumption is coal and 16 percent is nuclear. When you factor in the amount of inbred hicks that infest that state, there's no question we're not far from a massive environmental disaster. As President, I will increase security to protect Georgia's most valuable commodity and export - Coca-Cola.

Without a consistent supply of Diet Coke our nation will become fidgety and irritable at about 3:00 p.m. every day. Instead of falsely believing that they are losing weight because their beverage of choice has no calories, our nation's fat women will realize that they're engaging in a futile effort and simply get fatter, which infringes on my "no fat chicks" policy. This won't do.

Idaho
Unlike Georgia's export, which Americans actually like, Idaho is, of course, most famous for exporting potatoes. Americans don't like potatoes, but we put up with them because they're cheap and we can grow them like friggin' weeds all over the midwest. (Yes, I realize we scarf a lot of fries, but really, fries these days are 4-8 percent potato and 60 percent rendered cow parts, with some sawdust as filler.)

Idaho grows approximately 2.5 million potatoes per year. Irish-Americans eat about half of those, but people of "normal" lineage don't eat any. What to do with all those leftover spuds? As president I will recommend a new $5 billion program to turn potatoes into weapons. Ever fired a potato gun? It's a hoot. I once spent an entire weekend walking around Boise pelting homeless people with potatoes travelling at speeds up to 200 miles an hour; in fact, that was easily the most fun thing I did last month. This will ensure that in war-torn regions like Syria, the natives will get more than simple American raping and burning - they'll get their fiber.

Massachusetts
There are 31,300 miles of road in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The average speed of a vehicle on any of this road is 12.5 miles an hour. No one is fucking going anywhere. As president, I will hire a team of 1,000 Massachusetts natives to dress as firemen and stand on the median strips while holding boots, collecting spare change. This funding will go straight to Boston to offset the cost of Massachusetts' disastrous health care plan. A plan which not only will cost approximately $2 billion more than was budgeted but also stripped the commonwealth of the approximately $100 million in Medicare dollars they had been receiving from the federal government. Who would put in place such a short-sighted plan? Oh yeah...

North Dakota
North Dakota will benefit from my presidency in two key ways:

First, we will build a long overdue 310 mile wall between the Roughrider State and Manitoba/Saskatchewan. For far too long the good people of North Dakota have been subject to invasion by snowshoe-wearing baconfuckers literally skating over the border into this great country. No more. The fact that Rugby, North Dakota is the exact geographical center of North America illustrates just how much room Canada takes up, and it sits like a vulture over North Dakota at all times. It's time to shoot a big fucking potato at that vulture and take it out.

Second, no more of this North Dakota/South Dakota shit. If we can't downsize by dumping Alaska, we can at least combine the two least-touristy states in the union. That way, South Dakota can benefit from the increased federal presence and border guards in their state, and we have a better chance of stopping the Canadian threat before it reaches Nebraska.

Ohio
Ohio is a state of great diversity, tolerance, and "whites only" country clubs. Here's the problem - the major cities are scattered all over the damn state. It makes it impossible to visit, much less campaign in. Cincinnati is basically Kentucky. Cleveland and Toledo will be completely taken out when global warming expands Lake Erie. Anything in the eastern part of the state might as well be Pennsylvania - hell, there's even a New Philadelphia, Ohio. There are also hundreds of Ohio towns that steal their name from other places (Miami, Ottawa, Oregon, Dublin) so that when Ohioans talk you think they're talking about someplace else and they get all indignant when you get it wrong.

This geographical diversity has to stop. Look, I hate Columbus as much as the next person, but it's the geographical center of the state. As president, I will move anything of value in Ohio to Columbus. The Browns, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Jungle Jim's International Market...all of these will be moved to Columbus. Then maybe there will be something to do there other than Misty's Show Bar.

Oklahoma
As president, I will ensure that the only recognized uses of the word "panhandle" apply to Oklahoma, hobos, or actual cooking equipment. For far too long Florida has had a monopoly on the word "panhandle;" I don't want the person who thinks that Florida has a panhandle cooking for me.

Tennessee
Tennessee is widely regarded as one of the most corrupt states in the union, leading the country with 18 instances of public corruption from 1998-2008. This illustrates a fundamental flaw with Tennessee elected officials - they're idiots. Not because they're committing these crimes, but because they're getting caught. You're telling me that folks in Chicago don't engage in as much illicit activity? That the legislators in California aren't doing more shady shit than they are in the Volunteer State? Of course they are, they just don't get busted as much.

As president, I will create a large-scale multi-year program to help Tennessee elected officials learn to cover up and deflect blame for their actions, and/or frame others for them. Tennessee is the home of Sun City, the Grand Old Opry, and the Memphis Airport, which somehow gets 10 million people a year to fly through it despite the experience being like doing yoga with a dildo in your asshole. It deserves a better breed of criminal.

Vermont
If I asked you what the least populous states were, what would you say? Alaska, right? Maybe you'd know Wyoming was the least populous? How about the 2nd least populous? It's Vermont. 60,000 less people live in Vermont than North Dakota. It's an old joke, but there really are almost as many cows in Vermont as people. Rhode Island, on the other hand, has over a million people living there, and it's the smallest state. This cuts in on valuable beachfront property, increases Italian gang violence in Providence (at least that's what I learned from The Departed), and leads to unsavory people trying to elbow their way into my yacht club in Westport. There's an easy solution here.

When I am president, I will hand select 212,000 people to relocate to Vermont from Rhode Island. Never fear, Vermont, I won't just shuttle the wops, dagos, eye-ties, and Boyardees to your front door. Rhode Island's population is six percent black; Vermont's black population is about .8 percent (who knew it was even THAT high?). It's time to send a little color your way. All your cows are black and white, time for your people to be as well.

Virginia
Recently, Virginia became famous for attempting to force unnecessary medical procedures on its pregnant women. But there's much more to the Old Dominion than raping women with ultrasound equipment. Natural Bridge, Virginia is the home of Foamhenge, a full-size replica of Stonehenge made from Styrofoam. Why people still flock to England to see the real thing is beyond me. It's just gigantic chunks of rock that may or may not tell time or form an alien landing pad or whatever. They don't even have a badass wizard. When I am president, Foamhenge will be added to the National Register of Historic Places, alongside other great Virginia sites like Mt. Vernon, Monticello, and the Waltons Museum.

So there you have it, Super Tuesday states. You give a little, you get a lot. Vote Dicky B.