Friends,
Today I learned of a sad tragedy that befell the great state of Kansas, where I am currently conducting my campaign to be your next president.
At approximately 10:00 a.m. local time today, an endangered black-footed ferret was struck and killed while crossing a heavily traveled section of Little Mule Road in Eldred. The driver has since disappeared, as has his vehicle, which apparently swerved into a nearby barn on Bocephus Jones' wheat farm.
There are only 750 of these magnificent creatures left in the wild. Making this tragedy all the more devastating is that this particular animal was pregnant, and very close to having a litter of kits which would have expanded their dwindling population.
However, during an examination conducted by non-partisan, completely neutral officials from the Kansas Department of Fish & Game, it was discovered that this particular animal was carrying an advanced form of sylvatic plauge, a ruthless virus not unlike the Black Death that killed millions in medieval England. Had this animal and its litter lived, it could have caused catastrophic damage and possibly hundreds of deaths.
No doubt the unknown driver of the vehicle that struck the animal saw this threat and acted accordingly. This brave, quick-thinking individual is to be commended. Your razor-sharp mind and lightning reflexes have saved many lives. You are also to be congratulated on your modesty - you could have stayed at the scene of the incident and reaped the benefits of being a hero, but you chose to accept the simple reward of a job well-done.
It is this same level of quick thinking coupled with quiet humility that I will bring to the White House. Do not let this poor animal die in vain, nor let its silent but heroic killer's skills behind go unremembered. Vote Dicky B in 2012, and let's keep their mutual sacrifice in our hearts always.
Thank you, and God bless the state of Kansas.
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