Friends,
Today I learned of a sad tragedy that befell the great state of Kansas, where I am currently conducting my campaign to be your next president.
At approximately 10:00 a.m. local time today, an endangered black-footed ferret was struck and killed while crossing a heavily traveled section of Little Mule Road in Eldred. The driver has since disappeared, as has his vehicle, which apparently swerved into a nearby barn on Bocephus Jones' wheat farm.
There are only 750 of these magnificent creatures left in the wild. Making this tragedy all the more devastating is that this particular animal was pregnant, and very close to having a litter of kits which would have expanded their dwindling population.
However, during an examination conducted by non-partisan, completely neutral officials from the Kansas Department of Fish & Game, it was discovered that this particular animal was carrying an advanced form of sylvatic plauge, a ruthless virus not unlike the Black Death that killed millions in medieval England. Had this animal and its litter lived, it could have caused catastrophic damage and possibly hundreds of deaths.
No doubt the unknown driver of the vehicle that struck the animal saw this threat and acted accordingly. This brave, quick-thinking individual is to be commended. Your razor-sharp mind and lightning reflexes have saved many lives. You are also to be congratulated on your modesty - you could have stayed at the scene of the incident and reaped the benefits of being a hero, but you chose to accept the simple reward of a job well-done.
It is this same level of quick thinking coupled with quiet humility that I will bring to the White House. Do not let this poor animal die in vain, nor let its silent but heroic killer's skills behind go unremembered. Vote Dicky B in 2012, and let's keep their mutual sacrifice in our hearts always.
Thank you, and God bless the state of Kansas.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
My Super-Tuesday Trade
You've probably noticed by now that every candidate in this race gives basically the same speech no matter where they go. It's a called a "stump speech." The term comes from the famous Dr. Seuss anti-capitalism children's book The Lorax, in which the title character, a little orange communist hippie, gives a bunch of speeches while standing on tree stumps trying to bring down a job creator named the Onceler. (The book is crap - instead of reading it, go see the movie which does a much better job of promoting solid American businesses such as IHOP and Mazda.)
Anyway, the theme and tone of the candidate's stump speech is the usually the same no matter where they are. For example, in Massachusetts, Mitt Romney might say:
Alaska
Very few Americans realized there was a state called Alaska prior to 2004, and even now most people only know it as the state from which Sarah Palin could see Russia. The rare history buff might know that Alaska was purchased from Russia for $7.2 million, or roughly what I spend on greens fees every summer. But despite what they may have told you in high school, this was not a shrewd economical move by the U.S. - for Russia, this was the equivalent of the Red Sox dumping Heathcliff Slocumb and somehow getting Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek in the process. If it were possible, the "real" United States would have dumped this frozen wasteland a long time ago.
But somehow Alaska hit the geological lottery, and they have oil. At least they may have oil. This makes them hard to get rid of, even though they're basically Canada. When I am president, I will treat Alaska the same way that previous presidents have treated other oil-rich nations. I will frequently have them to the White House, ignore their numerous human rights violations, and provide military protection. (Yes, I'm aware that as a so-called state, they are already entitled to military protection. But really, I think we all know that if the shit hits the fan we're leaving those muckluck wearing freakshows out to dry up there. No one is going to cry over a few dirty-bombed Eskimos and polar bears.)
Georgia
Georgia's energy consumption is the highest in the U.S., which is insane because I've got to believe less than half of their population even has electricity. Have you been to Rabun or Chatooga County? There's a reason they filmed Deliverance up there. Seventy-five percent of Georgia's energy consumption is coal and 16 percent is nuclear. When you factor in the amount of inbred hicks that infest that state, there's no question we're not far from a massive environmental disaster. As President, I will increase security to protect Georgia's most valuable commodity and export - Coca-Cola.
Without a consistent supply of Diet Coke our nation will become fidgety and irritable at about 3:00 p.m. every day. Instead of falsely believing that they are losing weight because their beverage of choice has no calories, our nation's fat women will realize that they're engaging in a futile effort and simply get fatter, which infringes on my "no fat chicks" policy. This won't do.
Idaho
Unlike Georgia's export, which Americans actually like, Idaho is, of course, most famous for exporting potatoes. Americans don't like potatoes, but we put up with them because they're cheap and we can grow them like friggin' weeds all over the midwest. (Yes, I realize we scarf a lot of fries, but really, fries these days are 4-8 percent potato and 60 percent rendered cow parts, with some sawdust as filler.)
Idaho grows approximately 2.5 million potatoes per year. Irish-Americans eat about half of those, but people of "normal" lineage don't eat any. What to do with all those leftover spuds? As president I will recommend a new $5 billion program to turn potatoes into weapons. Ever fired a potato gun? It's a hoot. I once spent an entire weekend walking around Boise pelting homeless people with potatoes travelling at speeds up to 200 miles an hour; in fact, that was easily the most fun thing I did last month. This will ensure that in war-torn regions like Syria, the natives will get more than simple American raping and burning - they'll get their fiber.
Massachusetts
There are 31,300 miles of road in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The average speed of a vehicle on any of this road is 12.5 miles an hour. No one is fucking going anywhere. As president, I will hire a team of 1,000 Massachusetts natives to dress as firemen and stand on the median strips while holding boots, collecting spare change. This funding will go straight to Boston to offset the cost of Massachusetts' disastrous health care plan. A plan which not only will cost approximately $2 billion more than was budgeted but also stripped the commonwealth of the approximately $100 million in Medicare dollars they had been receiving from the federal government. Who would put in place such a short-sighted plan? Oh yeah...
North Dakota
North Dakota will benefit from my presidency in two key ways:
First, we will build a long overdue 310 mile wall between the Roughrider State and Manitoba/Saskatchewan. For far too long the good people of North Dakota have been subject to invasion by snowshoe-wearing baconfuckers literally skating over the border into this great country. No more. The fact that Rugby, North Dakota is the exact geographical center of North America illustrates just how much room Canada takes up, and it sits like a vulture over North Dakota at all times. It's time to shoot a big fucking potato at that vulture and take it out.
Second, no more of this North Dakota/South Dakota shit. If we can't downsize by dumping Alaska, we can at least combine the two least-touristy states in the union. That way, South Dakota can benefit from the increased federal presence and border guards in their state, and we have a better chance of stopping the Canadian threat before it reaches Nebraska.
Ohio
Ohio is a state of great diversity, tolerance, and "whites only" country clubs. Here's the problem - the major cities are scattered all over the damn state. It makes it impossible to visit, much less campaign in. Cincinnati is basically Kentucky. Cleveland and Toledo will be completely taken out when global warming expands Lake Erie. Anything in the eastern part of the state might as well be Pennsylvania - hell, there's even a New Philadelphia, Ohio. There are also hundreds of Ohio towns that steal their name from other places (Miami, Ottawa, Oregon, Dublin) so that when Ohioans talk you think they're talking about someplace else and they get all indignant when you get it wrong.
This geographical diversity has to stop. Look, I hate Columbus as much as the next person, but it's the geographical center of the state. As president, I will move anything of value in Ohio to Columbus. The Browns, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Jungle Jim's International Market...all of these will be moved to Columbus. Then maybe there will be something to do there other than Misty's Show Bar.
Oklahoma
As president, I will ensure that the only recognized uses of the word "panhandle" apply to Oklahoma, hobos, or actual cooking equipment. For far too long Florida has had a monopoly on the word "panhandle;" I don't want the person who thinks that Florida has a panhandle cooking for me.
Tennessee
Tennessee is widely regarded as one of the most corrupt states in the union, leading the country with 18 instances of public corruption from 1998-2008. This illustrates a fundamental flaw with Tennessee elected officials - they're idiots. Not because they're committing these crimes, but because they're getting caught. You're telling me that folks in Chicago don't engage in as much illicit activity? That the legislators in California aren't doing more shady shit than they are in the Volunteer State? Of course they are, they just don't get busted as much.
As president, I will create a large-scale multi-year program to help Tennessee elected officials learn to cover up and deflect blame for their actions, and/or frame others for them. Tennessee is the home of Sun City, the Grand Old Opry, and the Memphis Airport, which somehow gets 10 million people a year to fly through it despite the experience being like doing yoga with a dildo in your asshole. It deserves a better breed of criminal.
Vermont
If I asked you what the least populous states were, what would you say? Alaska, right? Maybe you'd know Wyoming was the least populous? How about the 2nd least populous? It's Vermont. 60,000 less people live in Vermont than North Dakota. It's an old joke, but there really are almost as many cows in Vermont as people. Rhode Island, on the other hand, has over a million people living there, and it's the smallest state. This cuts in on valuable beachfront property, increases Italian gang violence in Providence (at least that's what I learned from The Departed), and leads to unsavory people trying to elbow their way into my yacht club in Westport. There's an easy solution here.
When I am president, I will hand select 212,000 people to relocate to Vermont from Rhode Island. Never fear, Vermont, I won't just shuttle the wops, dagos, eye-ties, and Boyardees to your front door. Rhode Island's population is six percent black; Vermont's black population is about .8 percent (who knew it was even THAT high?). It's time to send a little color your way. All your cows are black and white, time for your people to be as well.
Virginia
Recently, Virginia became famous for attempting to force unnecessary medical procedures on its pregnant women. But there's much more to the Old Dominion than raping women with ultrasound equipment. Natural Bridge, Virginia is the home of Foamhenge, a full-size replica of Stonehenge made from Styrofoam. Why people still flock to England to see the real thing is beyond me. It's just gigantic chunks of rock that may or may not tell time or form an alien landing pad or whatever. They don't even have a badass wizard. When I am president, Foamhenge will be added to the National Register of Historic Places, alongside other great Virginia sites like Mt. Vernon, Monticello, and the Waltons Museum.
So there you have it, Super Tuesday states. You give a little, you get a lot. Vote Dicky B.
Anyway, the theme and tone of the candidate's stump speech is the usually the same no matter where they are. For example, in Massachusetts, Mitt Romney might say:
Ted Kennedy was a good friend of mine and I have the greatest respect for his legacy. We need to have gun laws that work for everyone. We need to have respect for all life and religion. I will lower taxes.But in Virginia he'd say:
I embody the values put forth by Thomas Jefferson. Obama wants to take your guns away and will substitute them with abortions because he's a Muslim. I will lower taxes.See? He's saying the same thing, just in a different way. Well folks, Dicky B doesn't roll that way. The other candidates may make empty generic promises that they not only don't intend to keep but can't keep (for the last time, the President CAN NOT lower taxes) but I will unequivocally promise all of the Super Tuesday states that I will make their states better if they vote for me. Here's how:
Alaska
Very few Americans realized there was a state called Alaska prior to 2004, and even now most people only know it as the state from which Sarah Palin could see Russia. The rare history buff might know that Alaska was purchased from Russia for $7.2 million, or roughly what I spend on greens fees every summer. But despite what they may have told you in high school, this was not a shrewd economical move by the U.S. - for Russia, this was the equivalent of the Red Sox dumping Heathcliff Slocumb and somehow getting Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek in the process. If it were possible, the "real" United States would have dumped this frozen wasteland a long time ago.
But somehow Alaska hit the geological lottery, and they have oil. At least they may have oil. This makes them hard to get rid of, even though they're basically Canada. When I am president, I will treat Alaska the same way that previous presidents have treated other oil-rich nations. I will frequently have them to the White House, ignore their numerous human rights violations, and provide military protection. (Yes, I'm aware that as a so-called state, they are already entitled to military protection. But really, I think we all know that if the shit hits the fan we're leaving those muckluck wearing freakshows out to dry up there. No one is going to cry over a few dirty-bombed Eskimos and polar bears.)
Georgia
Georgia's energy consumption is the highest in the U.S., which is insane because I've got to believe less than half of their population even has electricity. Have you been to Rabun or Chatooga County? There's a reason they filmed Deliverance up there. Seventy-five percent of Georgia's energy consumption is coal and 16 percent is nuclear. When you factor in the amount of inbred hicks that infest that state, there's no question we're not far from a massive environmental disaster. As President, I will increase security to protect Georgia's most valuable commodity and export - Coca-Cola.
Without a consistent supply of Diet Coke our nation will become fidgety and irritable at about 3:00 p.m. every day. Instead of falsely believing that they are losing weight because their beverage of choice has no calories, our nation's fat women will realize that they're engaging in a futile effort and simply get fatter, which infringes on my "no fat chicks" policy. This won't do.
Idaho
Unlike Georgia's export, which Americans actually like, Idaho is, of course, most famous for exporting potatoes. Americans don't like potatoes, but we put up with them because they're cheap and we can grow them like friggin' weeds all over the midwest. (Yes, I realize we scarf a lot of fries, but really, fries these days are 4-8 percent potato and 60 percent rendered cow parts, with some sawdust as filler.)
Idaho grows approximately 2.5 million potatoes per year. Irish-Americans eat about half of those, but people of "normal" lineage don't eat any. What to do with all those leftover spuds? As president I will recommend a new $5 billion program to turn potatoes into weapons. Ever fired a potato gun? It's a hoot. I once spent an entire weekend walking around Boise pelting homeless people with potatoes travelling at speeds up to 200 miles an hour; in fact, that was easily the most fun thing I did last month. This will ensure that in war-torn regions like Syria, the natives will get more than simple American raping and burning - they'll get their fiber.
Massachusetts
There are 31,300 miles of road in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. The average speed of a vehicle on any of this road is 12.5 miles an hour. No one is fucking going anywhere. As president, I will hire a team of 1,000 Massachusetts natives to dress as firemen and stand on the median strips while holding boots, collecting spare change. This funding will go straight to Boston to offset the cost of Massachusetts' disastrous health care plan. A plan which not only will cost approximately $2 billion more than was budgeted but also stripped the commonwealth of the approximately $100 million in Medicare dollars they had been receiving from the federal government. Who would put in place such a short-sighted plan? Oh yeah...
North Dakota
North Dakota will benefit from my presidency in two key ways:
First, we will build a long overdue 310 mile wall between the Roughrider State and Manitoba/Saskatchewan. For far too long the good people of North Dakota have been subject to invasion by snowshoe-wearing baconfuckers literally skating over the border into this great country. No more. The fact that Rugby, North Dakota is the exact geographical center of North America illustrates just how much room Canada takes up, and it sits like a vulture over North Dakota at all times. It's time to shoot a big fucking potato at that vulture and take it out.
Second, no more of this North Dakota/South Dakota shit. If we can't downsize by dumping Alaska, we can at least combine the two least-touristy states in the union. That way, South Dakota can benefit from the increased federal presence and border guards in their state, and we have a better chance of stopping the Canadian threat before it reaches Nebraska.
Ohio
Ohio is a state of great diversity, tolerance, and "whites only" country clubs. Here's the problem - the major cities are scattered all over the damn state. It makes it impossible to visit, much less campaign in. Cincinnati is basically Kentucky. Cleveland and Toledo will be completely taken out when global warming expands Lake Erie. Anything in the eastern part of the state might as well be Pennsylvania - hell, there's even a New Philadelphia, Ohio. There are also hundreds of Ohio towns that steal their name from other places (Miami, Ottawa, Oregon, Dublin) so that when Ohioans talk you think they're talking about someplace else and they get all indignant when you get it wrong.
This geographical diversity has to stop. Look, I hate Columbus as much as the next person, but it's the geographical center of the state. As president, I will move anything of value in Ohio to Columbus. The Browns, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Jungle Jim's International Market...all of these will be moved to Columbus. Then maybe there will be something to do there other than Misty's Show Bar.
Oklahoma
As president, I will ensure that the only recognized uses of the word "panhandle" apply to Oklahoma, hobos, or actual cooking equipment. For far too long Florida has had a monopoly on the word "panhandle;" I don't want the person who thinks that Florida has a panhandle cooking for me.
Tennessee
Tennessee is widely regarded as one of the most corrupt states in the union, leading the country with 18 instances of public corruption from 1998-2008. This illustrates a fundamental flaw with Tennessee elected officials - they're idiots. Not because they're committing these crimes, but because they're getting caught. You're telling me that folks in Chicago don't engage in as much illicit activity? That the legislators in California aren't doing more shady shit than they are in the Volunteer State? Of course they are, they just don't get busted as much.
As president, I will create a large-scale multi-year program to help Tennessee elected officials learn to cover up and deflect blame for their actions, and/or frame others for them. Tennessee is the home of Sun City, the Grand Old Opry, and the Memphis Airport, which somehow gets 10 million people a year to fly through it despite the experience being like doing yoga with a dildo in your asshole. It deserves a better breed of criminal.
Vermont
If I asked you what the least populous states were, what would you say? Alaska, right? Maybe you'd know Wyoming was the least populous? How about the 2nd least populous? It's Vermont. 60,000 less people live in Vermont than North Dakota. It's an old joke, but there really are almost as many cows in Vermont as people. Rhode Island, on the other hand, has over a million people living there, and it's the smallest state. This cuts in on valuable beachfront property, increases Italian gang violence in Providence (at least that's what I learned from The Departed), and leads to unsavory people trying to elbow their way into my yacht club in Westport. There's an easy solution here.
When I am president, I will hand select 212,000 people to relocate to Vermont from Rhode Island. Never fear, Vermont, I won't just shuttle the wops, dagos, eye-ties, and Boyardees to your front door. Rhode Island's population is six percent black; Vermont's black population is about .8 percent (who knew it was even THAT high?). It's time to send a little color your way. All your cows are black and white, time for your people to be as well.
Virginia
Recently, Virginia became famous for attempting to force unnecessary medical procedures on its pregnant women. But there's much more to the Old Dominion than raping women with ultrasound equipment. Natural Bridge, Virginia is the home of Foamhenge, a full-size replica of Stonehenge made from Styrofoam. Why people still flock to England to see the real thing is beyond me. It's just gigantic chunks of rock that may or may not tell time or form an alien landing pad or whatever. They don't even have a badass wizard. When I am president, Foamhenge will be added to the National Register of Historic Places, alongside other great Virginia sites like Mt. Vernon, Monticello, and the Waltons Museum.
So there you have it, Super Tuesday states. You give a little, you get a lot. Vote Dicky B.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Why me?
As I begin my quest for the Presidency, I've been spending a lot of time scooting around town in my custom-made Rascal (TM), shaking hands and kissing babies (or vice versa). One question that folks seem to insist on asking is "Why you, DickyB? Of all the candidates for our nation's highest office, why should we give you our vote?"
The first thing I normally do when folks ask that is point out that they've asked two questions, not one, and chastise them immediately for taking up too much of my time, which as we all know is better spent on things like putting out Ketchup-related policy papers; playing Paul Revere about the Canadian invasion; and playing Paul Revere at home with my full-time dominatrix/care-giver/meals-on-wheels delivery girl.
But as I sit here recharging my Rascal (TM) batteries, I thought I should finally respond.
Here goes:
1) Because. Because I'm 67 and cranky, and like other cranky seniors, I know best. Period. Now move along, Sonny.
2) Because nobody else can lock-up the crucial 18-18.5 year-old dominatrix/home nurse/delivery girl demographic. Those chicks vote, man.
3) Because a vote for Romney is a vote for Cadillacs, AND bankrupt Cadillac repair shops so there's nobody left to fix your Cadillac when it breaks, as it inevitably will. A vote for Santorum is a vote for, well, Santorum. A vote for Newt is a vote for Aqua Net, and not much more. Ever since my good friend Herman Cain dropped out, I'm all that's left.
4) Because seriously, why not. I earned it. A lifetime of sweat and blood for my family, and you'll be content just ignoring me and denying a decent man the last few stages of his illustrious life? No, don't worry about me. I'll be fine. You just go along and have fun with your friends. I'll just be at home, alone, in the dark, thinking.
5) Because objectivism is a defunct moral philosophy based, on all things, on the railroad as the center of modern industry. I'm more a monorail guy, myself.
So, there you have it. Vote Dicky B if you're all for Ketchup, Monorails; Old Cranky People; and if you're against broken-down Caddys; hairspray; fecal matter; and Canadians.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
On Michigan and Arizona, Or, Say Hey to Da Hosers
I apologize for the holdup of my summation of the Michigan and Arizona primaries. As you may have heard, I was recently (and illegally) detained for several days at Brest Airport in Belarus. Some advice for those of you traveling to Belarus:
1) Apparently you cannot carry ocelots and infected blood in your baggage at Brest Airport, despite there being no signage indicating the illegality of these items. My lawyer is looking into it. I will grant you that the ocelot was clearly rabid, but it was under control at all times.
2) Brest does not mean the same thing in Belarusian as it does in English. Related, Belarusian women all seem to look like fat naked mole rats.
Anyway, to the primaries. As you know, the final breakdown in Michigan was:
Like all of you, I am disappointed in this result. Not once during his time in Michigan did Romney cite the impending threat of Canadians using Michigan's vast unprotected borders to enter our country. Not once did he speak to the importance of putting a massive military installation on St. Joseph Island and placing small remote-controlled detonating devices on all the birds in the St. Joseph Island Bird Sanctuary. Not once did he note that Lake Michigan looks like a big dick pissing on Illinois, which is God's way of saying he hates Obama. These are all failures in leadership that should have cost him the nomination.
There are those who say that Romney won because Michigan is his "birth" state. Forgiving the fact that he's lived in so many damn places I can't keep up, what does that matter? My birth state, Phichit, Thailand, won't even let me back in without massive government intervention, much less vote for me. No, there are other forces at work here, folks. As you know, Romney belongs to what is essentially a cult. A cult that brainwashes its members, dictates their lives for them, and turns them into brainless automatons. That cult is: France.
In July, 1966, Mitt Romney spent 30 months in France as a missionary. This cause was about as lost as his quest for the Presidency, considering he was trying to convert a nation of wine-chugging fuckfiends to Mormonism. He also spent time in France offering support of the U.S.'s role in the Vietnam (rather than, you know, actually fighting there.) All that time in France rubbed off on him; he became enamored of French culture, food, language, and odor. It would stay with him through life.
But where to find such French culture in the U.S.? Romney was forced to look north, to the great stretched-out foreskin of this giant cock we call America - Canada. Since then he has never strayed too far from its welcoming borders - Michigan, Massachusetts, Utah - as you know, all of these states border Canada.
What does all this have to do with the Michigan primary? Because the entire Upper Peninsula is riddled with Canadians, Michiganders who sound like Canadians, or people who really don't know where the hell they live because they're idiots who voluntarily live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They rigged this election, folks. I'm working with lawyers right now to get the primary results thrown out, and we'll get this ship righted. I'm not going to have a bunch of back bacon eating beaver-tailed mountie-lovers telling me who's gonna be my president, and neither should you.
As for Arizona, they shoot the fucking candidates they don't like there, so I didn't want to go anywhere near the place. What's more, it's full of Mexican Catholics, or "Wetbathlics," so when Santorum said that crap about Kennedy making him want to throw up (he should have said "spew Santorum," but he hasn't embraced the joke yet) it turned them off faster than looking at a Belarusian woman.
That said, I don't completely disagree with Santorum's statement:
Anyway, my staff tells me that this Tuesday is a big day for us, so I'll be on the road a lot once my lawyer gets here to secure my release from Minsk Detention Center No. 1. Dicky B out.
1) Apparently you cannot carry ocelots and infected blood in your baggage at Brest Airport, despite there being no signage indicating the illegality of these items. My lawyer is looking into it. I will grant you that the ocelot was clearly rabid, but it was under control at all times.
2) Brest does not mean the same thing in Belarusian as it does in English. Related, Belarusian women all seem to look like fat naked mole rats.
Anyway, to the primaries. As you know, the final breakdown in Michigan was:
Romney: 41%As my opponents have noted, I did not receive any votes in this primary. This was due to a slight miscalculation by my campaign staff - turns out we'd been campaigning in Wisconsin all week. Not their fault, really - who the hell can tell the difference? (There's a Sheboygan, Wisconsin, and a Cheboygan, Michigan. What the fuck is that about?)
Santorum: 38%
Prince Fielder: 15%
A bumper sticker that says "Say 'Yah' to the U.P.": 3%
"Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds: 2%
Charles Lindbergh: 1%
Like all of you, I am disappointed in this result. Not once during his time in Michigan did Romney cite the impending threat of Canadians using Michigan's vast unprotected borders to enter our country. Not once did he speak to the importance of putting a massive military installation on St. Joseph Island and placing small remote-controlled detonating devices on all the birds in the St. Joseph Island Bird Sanctuary. Not once did he note that Lake Michigan looks like a big dick pissing on Illinois, which is God's way of saying he hates Obama. These are all failures in leadership that should have cost him the nomination.
There are those who say that Romney won because Michigan is his "birth" state. Forgiving the fact that he's lived in so many damn places I can't keep up, what does that matter? My birth state, Phichit, Thailand, won't even let me back in without massive government intervention, much less vote for me. No, there are other forces at work here, folks. As you know, Romney belongs to what is essentially a cult. A cult that brainwashes its members, dictates their lives for them, and turns them into brainless automatons. That cult is: France.
In July, 1966, Mitt Romney spent 30 months in France as a missionary. This cause was about as lost as his quest for the Presidency, considering he was trying to convert a nation of wine-chugging fuckfiends to Mormonism. He also spent time in France offering support of the U.S.'s role in the Vietnam (rather than, you know, actually fighting there.) All that time in France rubbed off on him; he became enamored of French culture, food, language, and odor. It would stay with him through life.
But where to find such French culture in the U.S.? Romney was forced to look north, to the great stretched-out foreskin of this giant cock we call America - Canada. Since then he has never strayed too far from its welcoming borders - Michigan, Massachusetts, Utah - as you know, all of these states border Canada.
What does all this have to do with the Michigan primary? Because the entire Upper Peninsula is riddled with Canadians, Michiganders who sound like Canadians, or people who really don't know where the hell they live because they're idiots who voluntarily live in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They rigged this election, folks. I'm working with lawyers right now to get the primary results thrown out, and we'll get this ship righted. I'm not going to have a bunch of back bacon eating beaver-tailed mountie-lovers telling me who's gonna be my president, and neither should you.
As for Arizona, they shoot the fucking candidates they don't like there, so I didn't want to go anywhere near the place. What's more, it's full of Mexican Catholics, or "Wetbathlics," so when Santorum said that crap about Kennedy making him want to throw up (he should have said "spew Santorum," but he hasn't embraced the joke yet) it turned them off faster than looking at a Belarusian woman.
That said, I don't completely disagree with Santorum's statement:
"The idea that the church can have no influence or no involvement in the operation of the state is absolutely antithetical to the objectives and vision of our country."He's right - for example, let's say a priest gives a young alter boy a little under-the-robe peter knead, then that kid grows up to become a postal worker who murders 16 people in an Amtrak station bathroom. A direct influence on the state. Santorum is smoother and creamier than you realize, folks.
Anyway, my staff tells me that this Tuesday is a big day for us, so I'll be on the road a lot once my lawyer gets here to secure my release from Minsk Detention Center No. 1. Dicky B out.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Announcement From Campaign Staff
The press conference originally scheduled for today in Missoula, Montana has been postponed indefinitely. Recent news reports that Dicky B is in Lampang, Thailand nursing a severe ecstasy addiction are unfounded and untrue. Dicky B remains on extended sabbatical at the Sorbonne.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Still Ready to Lead
Well folks, by now you all know that my assertion that I would be named president of these United States in 2010 did not quite come to pass. Like all of you I would love to know what kind of a country we live in where you can no longer trust such fabled institutions as Congress, the banks, and your voodoo priestess ex-wife.
The last statement is not rhetorical. What kind of a country DO we live in these days? Have things gotten better in the last eight years? Let's examine what's been done on the key issues:
Guns
You've heard my Republican colleagues speak frequently about President Obama's non-stop partisan effort to take the second amendment and stuff it straight up the ass of a San Francisco bar queen. Quite simply, he wants to take your guns away. Mine too - this guy just doesn't seem to give a shit that someone is rich and therefore superior - but more on that later. He has done nothing to implement my gun policy which, if you'll recall, is to arm every single American citizen with a weapon according to their station in life. The President, for example, will carry tactical thermonuclear weapons and an Altoids tin full of enriched whitecake uranium. The hobo will get a Daisy air rifle. This strategy, while unorthodox, was unanimously endorsed by the NRA, the Brookings Institution, the American Coalition of Underarmed Hobos, and, oddly enough, NAMBLA.
But this president has ignored this strategy, opting instead to go the opposite route: rather than showing his concern for Americans by giving them all guns, or even trying to take guns from criminals and killers, he has done nothing whatsoever. That's not leadership, that's laziness, and I for one am sick of this president living up to the stereotype of black people being lazy when he should be living up to the stereotype of black people carrying weaponry.
Immigrants
In 2010, 920,000 people legally immigrated to this country from Canada, the Great White Menace. When you add that to the 1.4 million Canadians that crossed our borders illegally, that's nearly 2.5 million syrup-eating hoseheads that are crashing this great party we call America. This mass exodus from the Frozen North began in 1995; right around the time terrorists began hatching a plot to tear our country asunder and create gloom and discord for more than a decade, Canada began fighting an international war over a fucking fish. Our wars are fought to topple ruthless dictators and their regimes - Canada fights wars because they've run out of flounder, and hockey season is over so there's nothing else to do.
Now I know what you're thinking - under the Bush administration, it's likely that millions of Americans fled this country in terror, and in some cases ended up in Canada, which levels the playing field. I'd have thought so myself, but after doing some research on the subject, it turns out that from 2000-2010, only 27 Americans emigrated to Canada from the United States. Twenty of them simply lost their passport and couldn't come back, five of them were drafted by the Edmonton Oilers, and two of them fell into large vats of wert at the Labatt's Brewery and were never heard from again. That's a disturbing ratio - yet Obama only kicked 393,000 people out of our country in 2010, and most of them were Hispanic, Latino, Mexican, my gardeners, and that guy who I'd pick up at the Home Depot parking lot and convince to donkey punch his own sister for churro money.
This won't do. In my previous campaign I recommended that we stem the flow of fat, speedo-wearing snowbacks into our country. While this is still necessary - I will recommend building a wall along the border of Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine, and installing military bases in North Dakota - it's not enough. We need to evict the Canadians that are already here, legal or not. This will lower our taxes, increase our quality of life, and most importantly, give jobs back to our hard working hockey players, brewmasters, syrup stewards, and dog-sled team leaders.
Ketchup
Another problem that has not gone away - there is still no generally accepted spelling of the word "ketchup." When I walk into my local grocery store (or, more accurately, when the small Mexican kid I pay to do my shopping walks into the store, until Obama finds him and sends him back to San Saliva or wherever the hell he's from), I see dozens of spellings of the same product, such as ketchup, catsup, katsup, catchsup, and horseradish. We live in a society where two dudes can marry each other, yet the products they lick off each others penises on their honeymoon night are all spelled differently. (This assumes they honeymoon, and/or get laid on their honeymoon night. I don't get gay people.) We're better than this, America.
So how to solve all these problems? Do you think the current crop of Republican candidates can solve any of them? Don't get me wrong, I like these guys. I am very much like them in some ways. I share Newt's sociopathic egomania, but I take it to a higher level - he left a wife because she had breast cancer, whereas I killed mine with an extension cord, buried her in her own grandmother's backyard, and framed a Chinese orphan for the crime. Like Rick Santorum, I have been the victim of a vicious Dan Savage smear campaign - googling my real name, Dick, brings up several disturbing images, some of which aren't even MY penis. And Romney and I both have nice hair.
None of these candidates, however, have addressed the Canada situation, or gone on record on how they propose to spell "ketchup." That's not leadership, that's just the nonsensical flaptrappery or a cadre of fucking douche nozzles. If you want your country to be led by douche nozzles, by all means flee to Canada. But if you believe in freedom, purity, goodness, and raising the salary of the Chief Executive, then I am your man.
I am Dicky B. And I want to be your President. Unless you're Canadian.
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